VIP, it’s for Jesus.
Earlier this week I attended a penance service. My flesh didn’t want to go, but I knew that it was a good thing to do to prepare my heart as we enter the advent season awaiting the coming of Christ Jesus. I thought to myself, I’ll be in and out then come right home. I was waiting for 40 minutes for my turn and I was only the third in line. I was a little annoyed at first because this totally threw my “in and out” plan, but as I waited and did a thorough examination of conscience I began to praise to the Lord the gift of confession and that the people in front of me were getting the counsel and absolution they were seeking. I began to even hope the priest was in a chatty mood for me too, so that I could receive a word of counsel from him about a particular struggle in my spiritual life, even though this was just a routine confession. My turn finally came and you know the drill, I told my sins, but after, I expressed the spiritual struggle that I hoped he would give me counsel on-teary eyed and all-but once I was done talking, all he did was absolve me, give me one our father to pray and then sent me on my way. Excuse me? I almost stopped him right then and there and asked “That’s it?”, I almost asked to him to give me a “better” penance, not out of scruples, but just out of an actual challenge to my prayer life for the sake of real sanctification. I was perturbed. He had spent like 20 minutes with each person before me, and I felt brushed off when seeking wisdom. Frustrated, I left, rolled my eyes at my friend who was in line behind me signaling my annoyance, got in my car and cried. It was in that moment the Lord met me and in that moment I received the counsel I sought.
You see, I was going to confession not just looking for answers, but looking for hope. We all know advent is the poster child for hope and I could feel myself already getting fatigued of seeing it’s face everywhere since I myself felt hopeless and desperate in so many areas of my life. I hoped the priest would reignite a hope in my heart for this season. I hoped the priest would give the perfect bullet point list on how to pray and never feel desperate again. I hoped the priest would fill a certain void that I already knew ultimately he could never ever fill even while acting in persona christi (in the person of Christ). I’m forever grateful for our priests and the selflessness they express in making the sacraments available to us, but even those called this mission can fall short of our own expectations, desires, and selfish needs. While that confession was neither what I wanted or expected, it was exactly what I needed because it was a good and hardy reminder that literally nothing will ever satisfy my heart the way Jesus does. No amount of clothes, no perfect job, vocation, husband, friendship, anointed religious, money, security, freedom - they’re all meaningless without Christ attached to them, but I was seeking these things to fill a space that is reserved VIP for Jesus. “I’ll be less lonely once I have a husband”, “I’ll feel more secure once I get a different Job”, “I’ll be fulfilled once I start living my vocation.” SIKE. This is not a unique experience. It’s basically a rite of passage for anyone in their 20s. This isn’t even a solitary experience, I have gone through all of this before and came through the other side. What the difference between then and now? How did I survive it then, and how did I fall back into it now? I did a bit of self-reflecting and I realized the last time I felt this was my first few months in Mexico. The difference between then and now was that I embraced it. When I was lonely, I went to coffee shops and had dates with Jesus. When I was hopeless or scared, I went to adoration. When I found myself wanting, I received the eucharist. I filled each space, each gap, each void with Jesus. I didn’t fall into the trap because I didn’t even let myself get close to the snare. I kept my eyes on the prize of Jesus, whereas this time I was looking in all directions except forward.
So, if you find yourself in a similar spot, seeking, unsure, then this is your reminder the keep your eyes forward. This is your encouragement for a renewal of hope this advent season to embrace waiting-for whatever it is-with anticipation rather than grief.
With Heart, Ellie