John 21: when your love doesn’t feel like enough.
Last week I touched a little bit on the reality of feeling like you are being called in two different directions. While the directions may be different, I do believe they can be complimentary. I expressed how I was trying to discern how these two different callings intersect-the call to digital evangelization, while not allowing social media to rule my heart and life. I believe long form content such as this blog is a right step to find a happy medium. However, I accept that it has not yet perfectly fulfilled the call and won’t for a long time, but it’s an obedient and faithful start. I think that’s where a lot of us can get caught up when feeling the Lord draw us to something, the fear of perfection or lack thereof. I don’t want to start something unless I know that it will be successful and “perfect”, but most of the time it’s not the product that we offer to the Lord that is pleasing to Him, it’s the act of offering itself. Our offerings are imperfect, outward, acts of love that are perfected through Christ (Hebrews 9:9-14, 10:14).
When I first began nannying, the babies were tiny nuggets that would just lay there, content. I was able to spend literal hours in the Word of God while they babbled to themselves or slept. One particular day I was vulnerably praying to the Lord and I was honest with Him about were I was at with my relationship with Him (even though He already knew). My love for Him was lacking, and I wasn’t sure how or if I wanted to put in the work to love Him better.
That day I was reading John 21. The passage marked “Jesus and Peter” where Jesus asks the apostle Peter 3 times if he loves Him. I found this striking. I knew there had to be deeper meaning than God seeking affirmation from one of His created beings. I dove deeper into the language and context of the passage and I what I found broke me.
Let’s read John 21:
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He then said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” He said this signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God. And when he had said this, he said to him, “Follow me.”
My instinct told me that the repetition of the question wasn’t on accident, and my catholic education helped me deduce that there was also probably profound meaning in the original language, context, and use of the word “love”. In one of the original languages the bible was written in, Greek, there are different words used when talking about love to describe different dimensions and types of love. Two of those are used in this passage.
Agape: describes a deep, selfless, and sacrificial love. It is the highest form of love, and this word represents God’s divine love for us as our Father. Another place the “Agape” love is used, is in one of the most well known and recited verses in the entire bible, John 3:16, “For God so (agape) loved the world, He gave His only son so that everyone who believes in Him may not perish but have eternal life.”
Phileo: is a brotherly or affectionate love, one of friendship. Another instance in scripture where “Phileo” love is used-so you can have more context-is in John 11:3 when the news of Lazarus is told to Jesus, “Master the one you (phileo) love is ill.”
The call and response between Christ and Peter in this passage, “love” is used 6 times, but 2 of those loves are Agape love and 4 are Phileo love. Lets re-read the passage with this new information.
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you (Agape) love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I (Phileo) love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He then said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you (Agape) love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I (Phileo) love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you (Phileo) love me?” Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I (Phileo) love you.” [Jesus] said to him, “Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” He said this signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God. And when he had said this, he said to him, “Follow me.”
Just 3 chapters before this passage, in John 18, we see Peter deny Jesus three times. The first two times Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him, He asks if he loves Him with an agape love, the highest form of love. Since Jesus begins with this, it can be seen as a challenge to Peter after his denial. Peter’s responds with the “lower level” form of phileo love. This could could be viewed as Peter’s acceptance of his own limitations of being unable to claim the higher form of agape love after the shame of his denial. Notice the third time Jesus asks this of Peter. He switches to use the same form of love Peter has been responding with. In verse 17 it says that “Peter was grieved” after the third time Jesus asks him the question making the switch from agape to phileo. It could be that the weight of the parallel of the invitation to publicly affirm his love after publicly denying the Lord is finally catching up with him. This exchange and the switching between the types of loves reveals the depth of Peter’s brokenness, but also the depth of Jesus’ understanding and compassion for that brokenness. Jesus meets Peter in his expression of love, showing that even imperfect love is valued and and accepted by the King of Heaven. Jesus is not demanding an unattainable form of love from Peter, but is willing to accept and work with Peter’s more humble, but sincere offering.
I was struck by Christ’s compassion towards Peter in this, and Peter’s humility to acknowledge his weakness only humbled me further in my own walk with Christ in a moment that looked similar to mine. What I love most about this is that while this was a very tender and vulnerable development in Peters walk with Christ-Peter not being able to rise to the agape love-its not the fullness of where Peters love ends. We see hope in Peters epistles where he uses the form of agape love in his writings showing how his own relationship and love has grown and developed since Christ’s death and resurrection.
Jesus asks Peter three times “Do you love me?” allowing Peter the opportunity to repent for each time he denied Jesus. Not only this, but Jesus gives this threefold command of “Feed my lambs”, “Tend my sheep”, “Feed my sheep” as a restoration and reinstatement of Peter. Jesus is commissioning Peter as a shepherd of His flock, establishing him as a key leader in the early Church. We also see this in Matthew 16:18. Peter is to take on the role of a pastor, caring for and leading the believers in the same way a shepherd would care for his sheep. I imagine the internal turmoil Peter must have felt during this whole interaction. I think of the great unworthiness he must have felt to have admitted to his inability to give our Lord the type of love He desires from us, while also being given a great position and calling for Christ’s church despite his lack (2 Corinthians 12:9). However, the intersections of these two realities is simply Jesus. How do we respond when we feel we are called in two different directions? We seek the intersection point which will always be Jesus Christ’s Sacred Heart in the center of the axes of the cross. And it’s that same cross and sacrifice that has perfected our imperfect and incomplete offerings that Jesus still graciously accepts from us just as long as we are offering them. As long as we seek His heart and accept His will despite our confusion, shame, or shortcomings, we will be led to the highest form of love and the fulfillment of God’s call in our lives.
With Heart, Ellie