LIFE ABROAD: Update, Placement Story, Stillness in the Waiting
Hello friends and family, it has been a while! I feel like I seem to start each blog with "it's been a while" and when I first realized this, it frustrated me because it reminded me that this blog is just another thing I haven't been consistent with. But then as I thought about it further I realized this greeting is a good thing. This blog was partially born from a place of loneliness, used as a distraction to escape the harder parts of moving away on your own, but as time has gone by I find myself needing it less and less, praise God! I originally was so uncomfortable with having so much alone time and down time that I tried to fill it has much as I could. But I come to you now not out of need to escape something else, but out of eagerness to share things I've learned with you and rejoice with you!
All this alone time has thought me so much! I think like many of us, I often would put my worth in my productivity. I am only as useful as the number of things I've accomplished. This is especially true for me when it comes to my day to day. My life is much simpler here, so at the start, I felt like I was never doing enough which is in turn made me feel like I wasn't useful. This made me look forward to coming back so that I could actually start "doing" things again. This put me in a state of constant waiting, and seasons of waiting usually come with anxiousness and discontentment.
One thing you should know if you are interested in applying for Fulbright is there is a TON of waiting. You apply, you wait. You make it to round two, you wait. You get an interview, you wait. You interview, you wait. You get a spot, you guessed it, you wait. As a senior in college it was almost embarrassing at times when people asked about my plans for after graduation, because all I could really tell them for the longest time was "I might be going to Mexico". Even after I received the news I was in fact going to Mexico, I still didn't know exactly where. As you can imagine, that caused a lot of angst and worry for my dear parents - and myself.
As we all know, Mexico doesn't necessarily have the best wrap when it comes to safety. This only fed the flame of anxiety. I was met with a lot of unsupportive comments when it came to my decision - my achievement- of moving to Mexico. I felt like I was the only one who trusted it would all work out for my good. Which was a first since I was usually the one who needed reminding to trust in the Lord's provision. Even though I knew it would work out for my good, I couldn't help but dread the day I got my placement. What if I was in a tiny Pueblo in the middle of nowhere? What if I was in a giant big city and never felt safe? What if I was all alone? What if I run into the cartel? Worst of all what if I was bored the whole time? 😂 (spoiler alert my being bored led to a lot of good fruits I needed in my life.)
But with as much excitement as dread, the day finally came. I got the email saying I would be placed in Valladolid, Yucatán. An adorable, midsized town surrounded by natural beauty and history smack dap in the middle of the safest state of Mexico. GOD IS GOOD. I felt nothing but gratitude when I found out, finally relieved of the unknown...well the unknown that mattered most, the experience of Mexico itself was still yet to come. I went straight to daily mass after finding out and offered it up in thanksgiving for the answered prayer.
It seems like we are in this constant cycle. Worry, wait, rejoice. Worry, wait, rejoice. I worried if I would get my Fulbright, I waited, I got it, I rejoiced. I worried where my Fulbright would be, I waited, I found out, I rejoiced. And when I wasn't worried about that, I was worried about what life in Mexico would be like, I waited to arrive and when I did, uh-oh I was not so quick to rejoice. And now I find myself caught in the rat trap once again. Worrying and waiting for what will come after my time here. I'm tired of it. Then I thought about it more. In seasons of waiting, where we traditionally feel like we're incapable of doing anything except wait for the next thing, why is it so exhausting? Then I realized there's a big difference in waiting and being still. Think about it, when were waiting even though we can't quite do what we want to next, we still try. Oh, I'll need a job when I get back, let me get ahead and check for jobs online everyday even though I realistically won't be able to start a single one for at least 4 months. I'll need a place to live, let me look at apartments I know I can't afford because I don't have a job yet, just in case. I'll want a community when I get back, let me join facebook groups I can do literally nothing about until I get back just because teasing myself with what could be is so fun (not). Does anyone else find themselves caught in this period of waiting but doing everything in their power to get out of it no matter how unrealistic it is? Where does this "proactiveness" come from? - a place from fear, discontentment, and distrust in God's providence.
Like I mentioned before, my simple life here led to boredom, which led to waiting for what's next, which led discontentment. I finally said enough. I decided I would stop being proactive in the ways I mentioned above and start being proactive in the way the mattered. By being still. It's been in the stillness that the most has happened! I prioritized living in the way the that we are called - in the Lord. I've come to love my still life. It has brought me so much fruit. I now cherish the days where all I do is sit on a park bench for hours on end, whereas before I would've found that such a boring waste. But it's in the stillness, we can hear God's voice. While I am still not sure what my life will quite look like after this, I know that the Lord will provide.
A few Sundays ago we read about the Testing of Abraham. Goodness, what a powerful reading it is. The Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son whom he loves on top of the mountain (Parallel to John 3:16 and Christ's passion by the way).
Genesis 22: 7-8, 11 says
"Isaac spoke to his father Abraham "Father!" he said, "Here I am" he replied. Isaac continued "Here are the fire and the wood, but where is the sheep for the burnt offering?" "My son, God will provide the sheep for the burnt offering"...But the angle of the Lord called to him from heaven, "Abraham, Abraham!" "Here I am." he answered. "Do not lay a hand on the boy." said the angel.
We all know what happens next. God does indeed provide a ram for the offering, but only after Abraham trusts in the Lord's goodness.
Verse 14 says
"Abraham named that place "Yahweh-yirah": hence the people today say "on the mountain the Lord will Provide."
Do we think Abraham would have been able to hear the voice of God through the angel if he had been scrambling to find a burnt offering for himself? No. Abraham was able to hear the still voice because he himself was still. The Lord called Abraham to the top of the mountain, a frightening place to be considering what he thought was going to happen. But he trusted and said to the Lord "here I am" instead of saying "I got this". Abraham showed up and let God to the rest. Gosh, how different the story would have been if Abraham tried to figure it all out by himself instead of simply just being and letting God take care of the rest. When's the last time we acted like Abraham? Simply saying "Here I am" because in truth that's all God wants, is for us to be there with Him. In these seasons of waiting and uncertainty He simply wants us to trust in him by saying "here I am" and let him take care of the rest no matter how scary it can seem. I try to pray those simple three words every morning before getting out of bed. Here I am. It's a reminder to myself that I am the only thing I have to give to the Lord, but that's all He wants. And He wants YOU too.
Here are some more related verses to reflect on that I have held close to my heart:
Psalm 46:10 says "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 37: 7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."
Isaiah 6: 8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?" and I said, "Here I am. Send me!"
Isaiah 40: 31 "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
1 Samuel 3: 4 "Then the Lord called to Samuel. Samuel answered, "Here I am.""
Thank you for reading! I encourage you to subscribe to the blog if you want to follow along with this Gringa's journey!
As always I appreciate every single one of you! Know that you are in my prayers. Please pray for me as this experience comes to an end.