Life Abroad: Discipline while in a rut.
Hey everyone, it's been a while! I will be completely honest, I've been quiet on my end because I've been in a bit of a rut...the "living abroad rut" if you will. I really wanted to stick to my Tuesday schedule, Lord knows there's enough to discuss to keep up with it, but in full transparency, self-discipline is not my strong suit. What can I say, ruts happen to everyone, and while I don't condone you to sit wallowing in your own self-pity, I do encourage you to reflect deeply and intentionally on what put you there in the first place. That's what I did or am trying to do at least; take advantage of this rut and use it for self-reflection and growth.
The main lesson of living abroad is learning to live with yourself. Especially if you're anything like me and are living alone for the first time. I have always had a roommate, whether it was a sibling or friend, but now it is utter solitude. So, this "living abroad rut" is really just a "living with yourself" rut. I make it sound like I hate being alone with myself, which is not true, but there are some obstacles that are only revealed when you are by yourself and that are important to note.
This week's blog is a reminder to myself and others that social media is a highlight reel. It is not the full picture. Social media tends to paint a glamorous picture of all these people living their best lives, but that's just it, the best of their lives. I wanted this blog to be super intentional, I want to remember all the good things, but just as importantly the hard things about living abroad, because it's usually the hard things that refine us.
Before I came to Mexico there were SO many things I prayed about to try and prepare my heart for what's to come. In a way, I knew I was going to enter into suffering. Instead of being afraid of that possibility I asked the Lord help unite my suffering to his, and asked for Saint Simon's intercession to help me carry my cross as he helped carry Christ's cross during His passion. Ellie, how much suffering could you possibly be going through, you're living the dream! While yes, this is the dream, sometimes it can materialize in things that are nightmarish. What Instagram doesn't show is that within a matter of days my complete world was completely flipped upside down. I went from living with two amazing friends to living completely alone and isolated in a town I have never been in. I went from easily accessible, healthy foods that I could meal prep with to living in a teenie dorm-like room without a real kitchen. My diet has been completely flipped on its head causing fluctuations in weight and acne, which brings a whole other mental battle of self-love and kindness. I essentially went from "halfway adulting" to "full-on adulting" but in another country, by myself, and in another language.
Throughout all of these changes I craved consistency, it was then I acknowledged that self-discipline is one of my greatest weaknesses. I made it my mission to become better at it while I am here and only have myself to get out of my way. You see, being self-disciplined is all about trusting yourself. If I set a goal for myself that I am going to pray a rosary every day, but fail to do so on the first day, I have failed to reach that goal to begin with and therefore have slightly diminished how much I can trust myself to fulfill the rest of said goal. So, when I want to set new goals for myself in the future, I am less likely to carry them out because now I literally have trust issues with myself to fulfill that goal. It's like the mentality of "oh well I cheated my diet today with a piece of cake, might as well have the whole cake." Instead of starting anew and practicing self-discipline, we often just throw it out the window because it's already damaged. And when I say self-discipline I don't mean self-reprimand and self-hate. I mean the practice of following through on your word to yourself. If a friend asked me to pray a rosary for their family, and I told her I would, there's no way that I am not going to pray that rosary on her behalf. Simply because she asked me to, and I said yes. I would not want to break my word to that friend. But if I think how I personally want to pray a rosary every day, that goal is so much more easily UNrealized. Why? Why is it so much easier to break our word to ourselves versus others? Are we not worthy of our own promises fulfilled?
The way to self-discipline, is first rebuilding self-trust, or in other words, establishing follow-through. For example, if today you tell yourself you are going to pray a rosary, DO IT. There, promise fulfilled. Therefore, you can trust yourself to fulfill that same promise tomorrow. This training perfects our self-discpline until that discipline turns into habit, and habit turns into virtue, and virtue turns into sainthood. Easier said than done. But little by little it is possible.
I shared a few of the negative shocks of moving abroad. Here are some ways I have been practicing self-discipline to kind of neutralize these shocks that you might find applicable in your own life.
Living alone: When you live alone, it is easy to forgo your promises or plans for the day because no one is there to see you break them. Maintain self-integrity and practice self-discipline by keeping your plans with yourself, whether it's a coffee date or laundry day. Show up for yourself first, and it will make it that much easier to show up for others when the time comes. It can be hard to do most things alone, but this is a great opportunity to date yourself. Even better, it's an opportunity to date Jesus! Go ahead a bring your bible with you next time you go on a solo coffee date, it's a game changer! It's cliche, but remember that even when you're lonely, you are not alone. Matthew 28:20 "...and behold I am with you always, even until the end of the age."
Self-image: Moving abroad hits your self image like a truck. So many things do a 180 when you move abroad, including diet, climate, sleep schedule and extracurriculars. Before Mexico I had shiny, healthy hair, and clear glowy skin and a consistent diet. Now I have damaged hair from the hard water, constant breakouts, fluctuating weight. For the first several weeks, I didn't recognize myself. Nor did I like what I saw for that matter. Talk about a humbling experience. I was fast to speak so maliciously about myself, but as I am practicing self-discipline, I have included to discipline my tongue to speak life over myself and others. The bible says this in James chapter 3: "5 In the same way, the tongue is a small member, but pretentions are great. Consider how a small fire can set ablaze an entire forest. 6 And the tongue is also a fire, a world of evil that infects the entire body...9 With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the Likeness of God. 10 Out of the same mouth flow blessings and curses." Our tongue is a teenie tiny member of our body, but it holds so much power! What disciplining your tongue can look like, particularly in regards to self-image, is speaking affirmations over yourself, complimenting others, and never saying something to yourself about your appearance that you wouldn't say to others. The more we can discipline our tongue in the way we speak to ourselves, the more in will be reflected in the way we speak to others. Training our tongue leads us to holiness because when we do so we are slow to speak and can avoid better near occasions of sin that involve the tongue, whether that be nagging your husband, gossiping about others, being quick to speak when angry etc.
Intential times in front of the Blesses Sacrament. Need I say more? We don't always feel like it and it's so easy to blow of because we've become acustomed to the logic that He will always be there, but the reality is the more we think He will always be there, the less we actually find ourselves in front of Him. Jesus is 1,000% present and the Eucharist. He wants to be with us so much that He not only humbled Himself by becoming man, but by becoming the most basic form of food and nurishment just to be close to us. Genesis Chapter 3 during the Protoevangelium says "17 Cursed is the ground because of you, in toil you shal eat its yeild...19 By the sweat of your brow shall you have bread to eat." After the fall, before our redemption through Christ's death, this was man's punishments, to be condemded to a life of of toil in return for a morsel. But here and now, thanks to Christ's humility, death, and resurrection, this bread is freely given to us as a gift and not just any bread, the literal bread of life; "I am the bread of life" John 6, 34. Christ humbled Himself to the simplest form, all so that He could live within us after we receive him in the Eucharist; All so He could extend the invitation to spend tie with him in Adoration, with the hope that we would just say "Yes." How prideful do we have to be to say that His humility is not worth our time set aside especially for Him? I thought I was lonely, being here all by myself, but then I think about how my lonely days and nights are nothing compared the number of nights Jesus spends alone in the tabernacle because no one has accepted His invitation (including myself often times) to spend time with Him all because of excuses like "I am too busy" or "I just don't feel anything when I sit down to pray." We have a God that wants to be with us, literally, physcially. It's not without discipline that we form these habits of spending time with Him in the Blessed Sacrament, but is it a habit you are willling to start? He wants you. Say yes.
That's just a little glimpse into my heart these past few weeks. A reminder when social media shows someone living a glamorous life in a different country, that's just it, them living their life in another country. While the scenery may be more picturesque and the idea of life more romantic, you are simply just living your life when you go to teach abroad. You still have your mundane routine. Sleep, eat, work, repeat, and schedule willing, a trip thrown in there somewhere. Your problems don't drastically change or disappear just because you moved. Sometimes, they are even amplified. Some days you still don't want to wake up for work. Somedays you don't feel like cooking. Some days you are just in a rut, but those days can be transformed from mundane to excellent with a little self-discipline and lots of prayer.
I know this post is a little heavier and "woe is me" so I wanted to express my gratitude to God for this opportunity and literal dream and prayer come true to teach abroad. I don't want to seem ungrateful, because I know I am truly blessed. Though it's not always ideal, living abroad is truly an invaluable lesson that I hope everyone gets to one day experience to some extent.